| the very idea of dating compares people to other people therefore recognizes that some people are better than others then we continually manipulate this for personal gain?
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| is this my step of faith
or am i just running away?
there was a time i felt your presence guiding me
now all i feel is empty
what have i got?
most of what is mine will soon parish
and all i feel is need and want
desire.
there is no destination.
no plan.
i don't even know if i need a plan.
how can i get back to that place?
where i could sense your wisdom
in my speech?
where will i find you?
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| I don't know if what i'm doing is the right thing to do. all i know is that what i have experienced so far has seemed off somehow. It's not going to be easy. I don't understand it, but i have to do it. Sometimes it seems right, but it doesn't matter how it seems. It doesn't matter how it makes me feel. I just want to know the truth. To be where the Truth is.
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| sometimes at particular moments (like this particular moment) i feel as though moving out to Tonganoxie and becoming a youth pastor has sucked the life out of me. all my friends which i used to see at school or in the city are gone. i cant really afford to be driving back and forth all the time. then when i do have to go to the city everyone is busy. i dislike it here so much. i moved here thinking it would me good for my youth kids. and maybe it is but i cant live alone like this. i talked to ron and he just shrugs it of and says, 'dont let your feelings get in the way of doing what you need to do.' and i guess i did that for about a year. i make a meeting with him and then he calls and says he's too busy to do it. i'm 5min late for his meeting and i get a speech about how i should be on time and yada yada yada. then the worst is i dont feel like i can say anything because he's my boss/pastor and shouldn't a spiritual leader know something?
the scary thing is that i'm noticing a pattern in my life of discontentment. i'll do something for so long then become dissatisfied, and trapped. then i think that Jesus came to set us free, so then why do i always feel trapped? "Oh well thats because you can't trust your feelings and fon fon fon..." God gave us feelings to help us know things are wrong!!!!!!!!!! you feel pain, you know something is wrong with your body! you feel emotional pain, something is wrong! Would someone who is all powerful and kind, make us distressed for no reason? So, if i can't trust my feelings then either God is cruel, He didn't make me, or etc. the point is I've been thinking all of this and then when you bring it up to good christian who really are trying to be comforting but (really don't know how to be comforting) "Just Give it up to God son. You'll see this all is for a reason" Ya, because something in my life is screwed up!
I've always wondered how someone could actually give something up to God. How does that work? In the bible when they gave something to God it was supposed to be their best. So, i should give God my worst feelings? i should only think of Him when i'm depressed? then there's the whole actuality of giving it to him. Is it some sort of super spiritual posture i have to train myself to take where all my bad emotions can be transferred to God? Some sort of super spiritual sigh? these feelings that keep coming up, how do you do that? then i began to hear faint wisperings of rules. Rules that make the most sense in the world because they have been hashed out over 5000 years. rules that can help you enjoy a game, like soccer. (its a rule that in order to score in soccer you have to put the ball in the goal, that rule sounds fun hu?) Rules that help us respect each other and grow with each other and eat with each other! (it actually one of the rules that we eat together! doesn't that sound good and fun!!)
But i hate rules i would much rather find an inner spiritual pose where i could commune with God and find inner peace and tranquility while not being UNDER such heavy heavy rules. His banner OVER me is love. Don't you want to be loved? Don't you want to find peace! Don't you want to be content and feel free? One of the best feelings in the world, (for me at least) is scoring a goal in a soccer game. But never mind that i don't want to be under any rules. so screw soccer!! i'm not going to be burdened with such trivial nonsense! a man should be able to carry a ball with his hands! He should be able to run anywhere he want's with the ball, why should there be boundaries? Guys where has soccer gone? It's not fun, you don't enjoy it for a reason. If you take away the rules from soccer, soccer doesn't exist anymore. Take away the rules from life, and your not living life.
But go on find your little spiritual pose and turn away from the easiest spelled out rule book in the world and figure it out on your own. (oh by the way its a rule that your supposed to let someone who has studied the rules teach you how to follow them) the point is we can't do it alone. and why would we even what to?
Following the rules keeps you UNDER His banner. Not following the rules and doing your own thing, makes you feel all bad and defensive and not want to be under the very thing that your searching for.
I'm not trying to bash on Ron. I don't hate Tonganoxie. And yes i have thought about the irony in the fact that i feel discontent so i'm going to look for contentment somewhere else. I have don't that for a long time. Honestly i haven't made up my mind about it being correct or not. Sometimes it feel awesome while other times it feels horrible. I just know that i need to find the rule book. I thought i had it but i don't. I have only a shadow of it. i don't understand it very well. And it's scary because everything inside me screams don't leave sometimes. but a door has opened and i am beginning to step inside...
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| (Ruff draft... Not necessarily my exact feelings about a certain gf... just feel inspired to write romantic poetry.......)
how do i explain about
all the things i think about
and everything im going through
when i think about you?
You are, to me
like a
painting to a thief
like a
flower to a bee
a peach to a tree
i wait and hide and watch
i search collect and keep
i climb and eat
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